Inner And Ouer Me Cover 2

Since childhood, I was a loving person. I was always willing to help others, be it with kind gestures or a smiling face; yet, no matter how much I tried to please the people I loved, I felt ignored and misunderstood by them. This emptiness within me was devastating. I wasn’t at peace with myself!

I spent countless nights – sleepless – trying to put my mind to rest, but in vain. Sometimes, my cheeks would be warm because of seemingly meaningless tears wetting my pillow. My days would be filled with misery and pain, afflicted by thoughts of dejection and self-pity.

The reason of this restlessness and dissatisfaction was unknown, until I ruminated over all aspects of my life. Soon, reality struck me hard that my religious life was that of a hypocrite!

I used to pray, but never with my heart. I would hastily perform wudu’ (ablution) and complete my salah, my dialogue with Allah, in a mere ten minutes. I would recite the Qur’an but it was without any understanding and without the beauty of tajweed (correct pronunciation). I used to fast but the intention was seldom pertaining to the pleasure of Allah SWT. Sleeping through most of the day during my fasts, I focussed more on the menu for cooking rather than getting my ibaadah (worship) correct.

I was so self-engrossed in pleasing the dunya (life of this world) that I had totally lost the tranquillity and happiness that only true remembrance of Allah SWT could bring into my life.

Having been failed by the dunya incessantly, I started talking to Allah SWT in solitude. I felt lighter and less miserable after each of my one-way communications with Him. I was discovering firsthand the beauty of the transformation one undergoes when the gap between the Creator and His slave is bridged. It was then that I started my pursuit of knowledge. Serenity overtook me. The light was guiding me.

“And He found you lost and guided [you].”

The Qur’an, Surah Ad-Duhaa (Chapter of the morning hours) 93:7

I started reading the Qur’an with increased involvement and enthusiasm. I began praying with greater concentration and regularity. I made a resolve that since salah(ritual prayer) was my means of communication with Allah SWT, I should try and beautify it to the best of my capability. I started revising all the long-forgotten, short surahs that I had learned when I was a child. Soon, a halo of peace began surrounding me.

The more I read the Qur’an with its meaning the more I became aware of the love and mercy of my Creator for me.

“And We have already created man … and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein.”

The Qur’an, Surah Qaaf (Chapter of the letter ‘qaaf’) 50:16

In the past, sadness would overpower me to the extent that sometimes I would feel resentment towards Allah SWT – A’udhubillah (I seek refuge in Allah) – for testing me time and again. Gradually, I started to recognize that these trials were indeed a blessing of Allah SWT.

“And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient who, when disaster strikes them, say, “Indeed we belong to Allah , and indeed to Him we will return.”

(The Qur’an, Surah Al-Baqarah/Chapter of the cow 2:155)


My understanding of the deen (religious path) deepened with the sayings of the Prophet SAW:

Narrated Abu Sa’id Al-Khudri and Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, “No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that.”

Sahîh al-Bukhârî, Book 70, Hadith 545

Certainly, up until this time I was drowning in ignorance. I had worldly knowledge, but I had never strived to gain the more important knowledge – that of the Holy Quran – which is an obligation upon me, by virtue of me being a Muslim.

I started to mix with friends who were more God-fearing and practicing Muslims, than me. Their company, thoughts and actions continue to keep me on track even now. I have never in my life received more beautiful gifts than an abaya (long-sleeve full-length dress), a Holy Qur’an with translation, and a book on the Biography of the Holy Prophet SAW. Let alone the countless du’as and kind wishes that I have received in times of illness or anxiety, from all my well-wishers, some of whom I have not even met in person.

SubhanAllah for the selfless sincerity and overwhelming love that Allah SWT fills your life with, once you choose to spend your life His way.

Now, I may not be in the best state of physical health; however, my mind is at peace and my soul at rest. My heart is full of gratitude for the countless blessings that have been showered upon me. I am overwhelmed with my new found love – the only love which is truly reciprocated in this dunya and the next: the love of Allah SWT. Alhamdulillah.

“And We have already created man … and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein.”
(The Qur’an, Surah Qaaf/ Chapter of the letter ‘qaaf’ 50:16)

And as each day ends now and I lay in my bed, tears still roll down my cheeks, wetting my pillow; however, they no longer feel purposeless. Every tear that I shed now shouts for Allah’s mercy and begs for His forgiveness over my past and future sins. And as the dawn whispers in my ears:

“Those who have believed and whose hearts are assured by the remembrance of Allah . Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured.”

(The Qur’an, Surah Ar-Ra’d/Chapter of the thunder 13:28)


I wake up to lay the prayer mat to perform my salah with extreme gratitude and utmost indulgence, ALHAMDULILLAH!

Dear Readers: Let the whispers of the dawn immerse into your soul completely. Undoubtedly, it is Allah SWT who is the exclusive source of peaceful happiness in one’s life. Establish your relationship with Him. Talk to Him in salah. Acknowledge His speech in the Qur’an. Remember Him through consistent dhikr and solemn repentance.

He listens to words unspoken and responds to emotions unexpressed. He feels your intensified pain and answers silent tears. He understands your unexplainable anguish, frustrating helplessness, and tormenting anger. He rewards your patience and resolves your problems in the wink of an eye, but only if you trust Him entirely.

Submit sincerely to His grandeur. Appreciate His benevolent generosity in the most cherished moments of your life, and recognize His magnificent mercy in the most heart-wrenching hours. Believe me, in no time, you can see your life transform completely – bi’idhnillah (by Allah’s will).

Khudaija Nagaria is a teacher by profession, an MBA by degree, and a student of the Deen (alhamdulillah). She has found refuge and happiness in her writing. A few of her articles have been published in Pakistan’s prestigious Dawn newspaper’s magazine section. Currently, Khudaija has dedicated herself to serving her deen, using her passion of writing. She is extremely humbled to be a free lance writer and Contributing Editor for Muslimaat Magazine where this was first published, and a regular guest author of another Islamic magazine called Aaila Magazine. She also writes for a website called Gems of Islam, where she prefers to use her newly adopted pen name, after her parent’s name.

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