The topic we are going to look at today is about ‘Self-sabotage’ and ‘Victim mentality’.
Today’s topic is pretty deep – in more ways than one. So before we begin I request you to read this only if you are ready to move on from all negativity in your life, if you’re looking for some solutions and answers, and if you want to start making positive changes in your world.
If you’re feeling very low and emotional then this topic may really hit home and may upset you or may even make you angry.
However that is NOT my intention. It is not a personal attack on anyone as I don’t know your situation personally. My intention is to help you as I helped myself many years ago.
This topic could also create some breakthrough moments for you and could leave you slightly overwhelmed and in a state of, “What Now?!”
I do highly recommend you read this as it will help you. After reading this if you need to talk one to one then please email me: firstname.lastname@example.org I’m also an ‘Energy & Emotional Healing and EFT/EMT’ therapist.
So, don’t feel you’re alone, OK? :)
Everyone has a story to tell because everyone is on a journey. We are all travelers in this world and our ultimate destination is the next world – insha’Allah the gardens of Paradise, with our Creator – our Lord.
But on this journey many a thing can happen. It usually all starts at a young age – in our childhood. But maybe it started later in life.
You were a happy-go-lucky person and something happened and you retreated – back into your shell.
It could be a physical shell or psychological shell. But you chose to close off from everyone.
A bit like smiling and joking when in public but crying and depressed when alone.
Something keeps eating you up inside and you let that something dictate your actions – your life as you live it, day in, day out.
There’s so much you want to achieve but you stop yourself every time you take a step forward. Or when working in groups you are loud and fierce and everyone is scared by your actions but when you’re alone your like a soft cuddly teddy – harmless and kind.
So ask yourself, “Why am I one way with people and why am I different when alone?”
Take a moment to truly reflect on this and write down your thoughts.
Are you the loudest, proudest, and over the top when with people and quiet, timid, reflective and reserved when alone? (Or opposite in opposite situations.)
If so, it’s your way of breaking free from those psychological shackles. You’re trying to make a point. You want someone to hear your voice – your story. You just want to be understood.
Deep inside – rooted deep within – there are unresolved issue.
Do you tell yourself: “Well such and such happened to me which wasn’t my fault so now I can’t do this and that because I won’t succeed, will fail, will lose….” And so on?
Do you know what you’re doing to yourself? Are you aware of how you’re treating yourself?
Its called: ‘Self-sabotage’ and ‘Victim Mentality’.
It’s when you always consider yourself a victim because something(s) happened in your life because of others actions and now you always think that you will get hurt again and keep telling yourself you’re a bad person, not good enough and then you see the exact same cycle in life repeating it self over and over again and then you keep feeding yourself with the same negative thoughts – sabotaging yourself.
I know how that feels. Because I went through exactly just that for 30 years! And it wasn’t until I fell really ill two years ago on my 30th birthday that things finally started to make some sense. It was then that I saw my life flash before me and it was then when I understood. It was time for change. It was time to take responsibility. It was time to move forward with my life.
What is Self-sabotage and Victim mentality?
It’s when passive beliefs and behaviour can be detrimental to the soul – to our life – daily.
It’s things in the past which are still eating us up today.
I still achieved all that I wanted to. I still studied, got the degrees, had the job I wanted, the friends, the family, the businesses. The daily ibaadah – salah, Qur’an, dhikr, talking to Allah, studying about the deen and then teaching it in my weekend kids club.
But something was still deep rooted inside.
I had to deal with past issues to move on – to take full responsibility.
We HAVE to take full responsibility because the past is the past – it’s gone – it won’t return. And if you feel that the same thing keeps happening to you over and over again then it because you haven’t dealt with those issues. Its God’s way of saying; ‘When you’ve learnt the lesson you will be ready to move on!’ And that’s what happened to me!
“Verily never will Allah change the condition of a people until they change it themselves (with their own souls).”
Surah Ar-Ra’d (The Thunder) 13:11
That little voice in your head telling you you’re not good enough will continue to tell you exactly just that until you take hold of it, shake it and say: “Enough already!”
It’s time to claim back YOUR life!
Negative beliefs need to be cut from the roots. Sometimes it takes time because maybe you don’t realise when it all began or it could be lots of things.
But you need to become more comfortable and confident in your soul and start taking care of your soul.
We all take care of our bodies because imagine if we didn’t shower or put on clean clothes? I don’t think anyone would want to be around us. Yet we continuously neglect our soul. Not only do we need to nourish it with ibaadah but we also need to get rid off the harmful toxins that are slowly destroying it.
Just as narcotics and substances destroy the body, the intellect and eventually the soul – so do negative thoughts, words, statements and beliefs.
Yes, they comfort us and are there for us. But they are bad friends only there to destroy us.
We need to stop being the victim or feeling like a victim and we need to get out of that negative hole fast – right NOW! (Else it’ll continue to take us deeper and deeper down!)
Why? Because only then can we truly start to heal and move forward.
Yes, it’s difficult – I hear you. But one step at a time. One issue at a time. You owe it to your soul. We will be answerable to God on the Last Day. What will we say then?
The Prophet (pbuh) said: “Take benefit of five before five: your youth before your old age, your health before your sickness, your wealth before your poverty, your free-time before your preoccupation, and your life before your death.” (Hakim)
Victim mentality and self-sabotage is not only detrimental to our own souls but all those who are around us – our family, friends, pets….
Who wants to be around a grumpy, sad, depressed person?
Not me! Not You! None of us!
Yet we’re around our own grumpy, depressed selves!
You know half the time when we talk to ourselves we are just sooo cruel and heartless!!!
Imagine talking like that to your best friend or family? :-O
Exactly! We wouldn’t have a best friend or family left!
You don’t want to be stuck in this rut – I know – and I know you can be happier and more content. You will, insha’Allah.
Ready to break free from these shackles? Alhamdulilah.
Check out the following tips.
Tips and Action Points:
1. Ibaadah – worship: Do NOT give up on your prayers, Qur’an, du’as. They are soul therapy and a weapon of the believer. Never be unarmed. Always protect yourself with your armour. Our ibaadah is our armour!
2. Who’s your crew? Did you know the five people we hang around the most (minus family) are the ones who help shape our lives. So whose in your crew? Happy dudes or nay-sayers?
3. Learn to forgive. If someone has hurt you – forgive them. It’s VERY hard – I know – and it takes time. But you’re doing it for yourself. By forgiving you are not saying that you condone their actions but you’re releasing them from your thoughts. Let them go!
4. If you’ve been hurt physically or emotionally (domestic violence, abuse – sexual/physical) there is help available. By seeking help you are taking responsibility for yourself and saying you will heal and move forward. You are not weak but very strong and I’m proud of YOU!
5. Fill your soul will goodness – ibaadah, reading, friends, hobbies. Live the life you want to. The only one standing in your way is you. Get out of your own way and just go do it.
I pray that this post has helped you in some way. I know its very deep and you may need to read it a few times. But know that you’re not alone. I’ve also been there and it was very tough. That’s why I launched ‘We Be Inspired’.
If you need to talk email me email@example.com
Know that you’re special and unique. Love yourself. Because God loves YOU! :)
Nadia Leona Yunis is the Islamic Editor for Young Muslimah Magazine. This article was first published on her website, We Be Inspired.